3 Ways to Stop Worrying

June 26th, 2009 by Angela Spaxman No comments »

Worrying is a very common source of stress and waste of energy. All of us have times when we worry, and some people rarely have times when they don't worry! Whether you are an occasional worrier, or a worry addict, learning how to worry less is an excellent investment in your life.

Here are three simple ways to cut down on your worrying. Choose one method, or use all three to work towards a worry-free life.

1) Write it all down. This is a very simple and easy way to stop the endless chatter of your worries. When you write everything down, you get it out of your head and onto paper where it can't endlessly repeat itself. 90% of worrying is repetition, so once it is concretely described on paper, it is easier to take your thinking to the next step and onto what you can practically do about your problems.
 
You can write down whatever you are worrying about quickly in a stream-of-consciousness style. Doing this is a relief and will also allow you to feel much clearer. You can write down everything, even if it scares you or you don't really want to think about it. Once it is written down, it loses its power.
 
Sometimes it is helpful to add some structure to your writing. You can categorize your thoughts into pros and cons, or current state and desired state, or other simple organizing structures. If you have a story in your mind you can write a few different versions of it to make it clear how your story is only an interpretation and not the truth. For example, if you're worrying about something you've done in the past, you could write it as a tragedy, then as a comedy, then as a matter-of-fact story. You can do this for your future worries too.
 
When your worries are very complicated, and you want to find a plan or a solution, I recommend using a mind map, a graphic representation of your thoughts. Learn more about mindmapping here.
 
2) Get present. When you're worrying you are always either thinking about the past or the future. It is impossible to worry when you are living in the present moment. To get present, do something that requires all of your attention. For example, try balancing on one leg. It is very difficult to do that when your mind is aflutter! Many of our most enjoyable activities force us to be present, including various forms of exercise and arts.
 
One of the things I do every day to keep working on my ability to be present is that whenever I am walking from one place to another, I focus my attention on everything I can feel in my body. I notice the feeling of the ground, the air against my face, the feeling of my muscles, my breathing and my heart if I can notice it. I let all those sensations dominate my awareness so that there is no room for anything else. Of course you can do this anytime when you are just sitting, or taking a short break. If you practice this for one minute per day, you will see a difference in your equanimity and your resilience.
 
3) Practice EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique. Have you heard of it? This is a very simple technique that is easy to learn and practical to use. It is based on the fact that all emotions are energy moving through certain pathways in the body. By tapping on certain spots in an easy-to-learn pattern, it is possible to remove emotional charges. If you are worrying about something, you can be sure there is an emotional charge that is driving the cycle of worrying. So when you eliminate or reduce the emotional charge through this method, you will find you have much more control over your thoughts. By practicing this regularly, you will gain control over your emotions and give yourself the opportunity to act more rationally in emotional situations.

You can download a free EFT manual with everything you need to know. Or contact me to arrange a one-time coaching session where I will teach you to practice EFT and eliminate some of your worries at the same time. I am putting together some small groups to learn this technique for your personal use in a very cost-effective way, so please contact me if you are interested.

How to Coach When You Really Want to Give Advice

March 10th, 2009 by Angela Spaxman No comments »

One of the most common mistakes in coaching is giving advice rather than helping the coachee find their own answers. This is an easy mistake to make because most of us are so keen to help (and show that we are helpful) and because many coachees are used to being given advice and they expect it.

From my personal experience of coaching, observing others coaching and being coached, I am convinced that most advice-giving in coaching is nowhere near as powerful and effective as eliciting the answers from the coachee. Eliciting the answers takes more skill and it also takes deep trust in the process of coaching, to believe that it is worth taking a bit more time and to make the space for the coachee to be creative.

Recently I learned a very simple and helpful process that simplifies my job in supporting my coachees to come up with their own answers so that I don't have to give them advice. Here's how it works:

Let's say my coachee asks me something like this: “How can I … ? or “What can I do to …? My coachee is seeking an answer to some question or problem he is facing. My options in that moment are to:

1) Give an answer,
2) Ask another question that helps him think further about what the answer might be, or
3) Suggest that we brainstorm possible solutions together.

Obviously Option 1 is giving advice and not recommended.

In the past I have often used Option 2 and asked my coachee something like “What do you think you could do?” There's nothing really wrong with this question, but asking a question like this does have some risks.

If my thinking is not clear enough, I might frame the question too tightly and restrict the coachee's responses. For example I might say “What do you think you could do to discover the root causes of this problem?” when in his mind there are no answers in the root causes and this is simply a distraction from the real question. Also, there is an implication that there is one 'right' answer, and this limits creativity.

Another risk with following Option 2 is that it may seem like I am throwing the difficult question back to him and withholding my own experience, wisdom and support.

Option 3 has some clear advantages. I could start by saying, “How about if we brainstorm some possible solutions together?” Immediately I am asking permission from the coachee to follow this next step. It is a way of checking the importance of the question and keeping the coachee in control of the process. I am open to the coachee saying, “Actually, I know what I need to do.” !! But often the coachee will agree and I will say, “How about if you come up with two possible solutions, then I'll add two, and we'll carry on until we have a whole bunch?” Depending on the confidence of the coachee in this problem, I could also ask him to come up with a whole bunch of possibilities and then I'll add some more afterwards. 

A coachee is often not aware that there are any possible solutions to his problem, so he will find it encouraging to think that together we will find many. It is up to the coach to provide this confidence: essentially the trust that coaching will work and that there are always possibilities and choices in any situation.

Here are some of the other advantages of this approach:

By focusing on creating possible solutions rather than solving the problem, you temporarily stop the judgment and critical thinking that often blocks creativity. Your goal is to collect all the solutions first, and then evaluate them later. Doing this unleashes creativity and in itself will help the coachee think of things they haven't thought of before.

Coachees often mistakenly believe that the solutions coming from the coach are more valuable than those they generate themselves. You can counteract this assumption by collecting the ideas together so that they have more equal weight. It's also possible to generate contradictory ideas to make it clear that the coachee has to choose based on his own evaluation of what will work best for him.

Sometimes this process works so well that the coachee immediately comes up with an excellent
solution that he knows is perfect for him and that he is excited to implement. Other times we generate a long list and feel safe with an abundance of choices for actions to take. This is what coaching is all about: creating new ways of thinking that change people's lives.

Most people are not very experienced at being coached. This fact makes it even more important that coaches trust the coaching process and let the power of coaching reveal itself to coachees. The 'aha' moments that they experience as a result will let them realize the true power of coaching.

Embarrass Yourself for the Environment

March 6th, 2009 by Angela Spaxman 5 comments »

I had a wake up call last week (The Awaken the Dreamer, Changing the Dream Symposium) that made me realize that one of the biggest things stopping many of us (myself included) from doing more to protect the environment is embarrassment. Isn't that pathetic? We let a mere transient, harmless emotion stop us from protecting the very thing that keeps us alive and brings us literally everything we have. But it's true. Let me give you one example.

I often buy take-out meals to save time cooking and shopping, and so that I can enjoy the food in my own home. That means that every week I toss out dozens of plastic and styrofoam containers. I know that these used containers are transported in stinking garbage trucks, polluting the air, on the way to fill up a valley in the New Territories that I can no longer hike in. That is how direct the connection is between my consumption and the reduction in the quality of my own life.

The  most convenient away for me to completely eliminate this particular desecration of the environment would be to bring my own containers to the take-out counters that I could easily re-use.

So what is the main reason I don't? It would be embarrassing to stand out and be different.

When I take an inventory of all the other small steps I could take to reduce my environmental impact, I notice that embarrassment is often stopping me.

  • I could complain about the excessive packaging in local supermarket.
  • I could walk to a meeting and arrive a little sweaty rather than taking a taxi.
  • I could carry my own refillable cup.
  • I could bear being called an activist, anti-business or unpatriotic, and speak up against the government's ignorance of the future being created by excessive development. 

Isn't it nice now to be able to receive a nod and maybe even a smile when you bring your own bag to the supermarket? Millions of bags will be saved as a result and hopefully that will mean a few less filthy plastic membranes floating along our beaches.

If we wait until protecting the environment is no longer embarrassing, we are squandering our wealth. We will have poorer quality food, more diseases caused by pollution and less natural beauty to bring us joy. If you think about it, you will notice that the pace of these destructive trends is already increasing in our lifetimes.

If you are reading this article, you already know the cost of our/your destructive ways and you know of many changes you could make to reduce your impact. What is your excuse for not doing more?

How to Create More Momentum for Your Most Important Goals

February 2nd, 2009 by Angela Spaxman No comments »

The changing of the year is a special time. We make it special by turning our attention to the bigger time frame of a year rather than our usual daily or weekly concerns. Using this annual cycle to reflect and plan creates momentum for our long term goals: those things we want to produce over many years and over our lifetimes.

Here's a simple exercise you can use to maximize your learning from the year just past and create momentum for your goals in the coming year.

1) Write down between 30 and 50 things that happened to you last year. It sounds like a lot, but it is surprisingly easy to do when you review all aspects of your life such as your work, health, wealth, relationships, environment, recreation, learning etc.
2) For each item, write down a) what you gained, b) what you lost and c) what you learned.
3) Write down at least 20 things you intend to experience or produce in the coming year.
4) Note a completion date for each item in the future.
5) Write down what you will gain, lose and learn for each item in the future.

What is the impact of this exercise on you?

Build Relationships to Secure Your Career Future

February 2nd, 2009 by Angela Spaxman No comments »

If you lost your job tomorrow, or if changes in your workplace made your job unpleasant, do you have what it takes to secure a better position? To get the job you want, you need both qualifications and contacts. By focusing on your work-related relationships, you can a pool of supportive connections that can greatly increase your ability to move jobs. 
 

The most common way for Hong Kong
people to secure their career futures is to study. This strategy makes sense.
One of Hong Kong’s greatest assets is having people who
value continuing education and who spend a lot of time upgrading themselves. However,
more credentials and qualifications are not the only way, or even the best way
to secure your career future. Your latest studies make up only one line of your
resume, and yet studying consumes a lot of time and energy. Is there a more
effective way to use this time?
 

One of the most important investments you can make for a
solid career future is in relationships. When times are tough, good
relationships will help you more than anything else to survive and thrive in a
rapidly changing business environment. That’s because the quality of the
relationships you form throughout your career are a good measure of your
quality and value as a person. And when anyone makes the decision to hire
someone, they are hiring a human being, not a set of credentials. A friend of
mine likes to say “All business is people business,” meaning that you should
never underestimate the importance of human connections in doing business of
every kind.
 

There are several specific ways that strong relationships can
help you to secure your career future. First of all they are living proof of
your integrity and interpersonal skills.
They can provide you with inside information into
organizations when you are seeking a move. They can be a source of referrals to
new job opportunities or new business connections. They can provide you with feedback
to help you understand what you might be doing wrong. They can also give you
moral support and encouragement when you need it.
 

Strong relationships are formed through small investments
over a long period of time. There are many small steps you can take on a daily
basis to make the most of your relationships. 
For example, you can spend a few minutes every day talking to people in
your workplace. Get to know them personally and allow them to know you. Keep in
touch with former classmates, colleagues and family friends that interest you. Pay
particular attention to the people you like and respect, rather than those in
powerful positions. The people you respect most are more likely to share your
values and thereby make recommendations or referrals that are useful to you. Be
approachable and helpful when people contact you seeking advice or friendship.
 

With so many excellent online networking services readily
available, you can easily keep in touch with larger numbers of people. Facebook
and Linked-In are two good examples for online networking tools that can
efficiently keep you in touch with former colleagues. However, having a smaller
group of quality relationships is more important than having thousands of
people in your network connections.
 

Social, charitable or business meetings are also excellent
opportunities to build useful relationships. You can take part in reunions and
get-togethers or initiate your own gatherings to bring together people you respect
to discuss topics of mutual interest.
 

Simply by being friendly, open and generous to people that
interest you, you are building a foundation of relationships that can help to
secure your career future.

Self-awareness is the Key to a Successful Career Move

December 1st, 2008 by Angela Spaxman No comments »
Highlights         
  • Knowing
    yourself well is essential to making good career change decisions.
  • High
    self-awareness results in higher self-confidence, and better job matches.
  • Self-awareness
    is built through self-reflection, assessments and feedback.

The climate of economic uncertainty is bringing
sudden changes in many organizations resulting in redeployments and layoffs, and creating new opportunities for career advancement. Now is the time to be ready to make decisions about your future by investing in one of the most important career faculties: self
awareness.
 

Self-awareness means knowing and accepting your strengths,
weaknesses and preferences. It takes a certain detachment to be truly honest
about what kind of person you are. People are often overly modest about their
strengths, or they take them for granted thinking that everyone has them.
People often either deny their weaknesses or constantly focus on fixing them. The
most success people fully accept their strengths and weaknesses and find
situations that allow them to be at their best.
 

When you fully understand your own personality, you can change
jobs more easily for two reasons: you will know exactly what kind of job suits
you and you can more accurately and confidently describe yourself to hirers. 

A job search is much easier when you know exactly what you
are looking for. You can clearly describe the job you want to your contacts and
supporters so that they can refer opportunities. 

And once you’ve found the opportunities, you can apply and
interview for jobs much more confidently. When your personality and the job fit
well, you can focus on being yourself instead of trying to be someone you are
not. Recruiters and potential employers can  sense the underlying confidence of self-aware
people. Even if the job you are applying for is not for you, recruiters will
feel more confident in referring you to other jobs, since they sense that you
represent yourself honestly and accurately.
 

When you already know about your weaknesses, have accepted
them and understand how they contribute to the strength of your overall
personality, no one can discourage you with slights about your faults. When you
know yourself well, you are also more likely to be successful in your job.
Research has shown managers and leaders who know themselves better are more
successful.
 

Building self-awareness is a continuing process that lasts a
lifetime. Even though you may know yourself well at age 20, you will need to
explore yourself again and again as your personality develops based on the
challenges you meet in life.
 

There are three primary strategies for increasing your self
awareness. The first one is self-reflection. Take some time to write down what
you think about yourself, what you like and dislike and what you want and need.
The free e-course that I offer provides some support for this step. Rather
than keeping thoughts about yourself in your head, put them on paper. If you
are the creative type, you can draw, paint or create pictures, maps or metaphors
of yourself. Metaphors are an excellent way to represent the immense complexity
of a personality.
 

Another way to know yourself better is through assessments.
There are hundreds of simple, free online assessments that let you play with
ideas about what kind of person you are. Better still, many of the assessments
used for hiring, staff development and team building can give a very accurate
portrayal of who you are. The better you know yourself already, the more
sophisticated the tool you will need to shed more light. Look for assessments
to help you clarify your work-related tendencies as most relevant for
clarifying your optimum career path. The assessments I recommend are
ideal for understanding what role is ideal for you.
 

A third valuable way to understand yourself is through
feedback from others. No matter how hard you look, you can never see yourself
through another person’s eyes. Information on how you come across is an
invaluable source of insight. Ask your close friends and co-workers for an
honest assessment of your biggest strengths and worst weaknesses. Solicit
specific examples so you can understand how they came to that impression. Make
the most of your annual performance appraisals or other formal feedback
mechanisms. To encourage others to be honest and open, offer to give them
feedback in return.
 

None of us knows when sudden changes may force us to move to
a new job. Now is always the right time to strengthen the foundations that will
allow you to make smooth and successful career changes.

4 principles for work fulfillment in times of crisis

October 28th, 2008 by Angela Spaxman No comments »

I’m amazed by the worldwide changes in the financial system and the economy that are unfolding before us. New worldwide systems are demanded, and emerging. Many of us will be facing new work pressures as a result. So here’s a reminder of the principles behind finding fulfillment in life through work. I hope this is useful to you.

1. Welcome reality.

Whenever you feel frustrated, angry, upset, depressed, or any other negative emotion, you are resisting the truth. If the truth is that you just dropped a bundle in an investment, or you just lost your job, accept it. And then step back one pace further to realize that somehow, it’s for the best. The current reality may be uncomfortable and challenging, but it really is better somehow in the biggest sense of the idea. It may cause you some pain, but if you choose to look for it, you’ll find a much bigger advantage in store for you in the long run. Opportunities abound in times of change.

2. Know yourself.

When you know what kind of person you are, you can add value in the most efficient ways possible. If you’re in a role that doesn’t suit you, you’ll end up burned out or fired, particularly when budgets tighten and workplace demands increase. Workplace roles are constantly changing, so you need to keep rediscovering how well you fit your work, what kind of support you need to be at your best and how you can use your special strengths to best advantage. Know yourself and then act as the guardian and champion of your unique value.
 
3. Foster relationships.

The quality of the relationships you form throughout your career are a handy measure of your quality and value as a person. I don’t mean that someone with few relationships is not valuable, only that they may not be seen as valuable. A personal recommendation is worth far more than a credential. The relationships you have nurtured over many years, including personal, collegial and vocational relationships, can provide you with inside information, referrals, feedback and moral support in times of change. Foster a wide variety of relationship with quality people through small investments in connection over long periods of time.

4. Remember that you’re here to serve.

It is humbling to realize that your knowledge, skills and talents have no value on their own. They are only worth something when they are put into service for someone else. While it’s tempting to think about what you want to do with your work life, it is more effective to think about what you can do for others. The perspective of being in service allows you to see how you are most useful to the people who will pay you, whether as employers, customers or clients. Put your highest value talents, that is the skills that fulfill you, into the service of others and you will maximize your success.

Large Hadron Rap

September 19th, 2008 by Angela Spaxman No comments »

I can't resist sharing this hilarious video which will also help you understand the latest scientific investigations into the nature of the universe. I highly recommend the Large Hadron Rap.

How to be an Enlightened Leader

September 19th, 2008 by Angela Spaxman No comments »


I’d like to be able to explain fully and clearly how to be
an ‘enlightened leader’ (!!), but since I am only just discovering this
possibility myself, I am only going to share what I’m learning these days as I
explore leadership and spirituality. Please feel free to add to my
understanding by commenting.
 

Enlightenment means a view of the universe that is beyond
ego. It is the highest known perspective.

What does it mean to
be beyond ego?
 

First of all, ego is the sense that we are separate. It
emerges in childhood when we discover that we are separate from our
environments, our families and that we have individual identities. For the
first time we realize that we have an exclusive view of our own thoughts and
that we have the ability to think and choose for ourselves. Before we discover
our egos, we are not really aware that we are separate at all. Babies have no
concept of themselves and no conscious control.
 

The development of the ego is behind humankind’s great rush
of progress and development as we each strive to protect ourselves and compete
against others in our relentless pursuit of happiness. In this sense it is a
good thing. But the ego’s view of reality is not complete.
 

Being ‘beyond ego’ means having a higher perspective that transcends
the petty demands of the ego for attention, importance and security. The ego is
fearful and greedy. The ego pretends to be rational in its striving for
self-protection, but in fact it is emotional and manipulative. Enlightenment is
a more complete view of reality.
 

To gain an experience and understanding of the true nature
of reality, we can explore the deepest levels of our consciousness through
meditation. It is possible to discover that consciousness is composed of two
great forces: 
 

  • Peace
    and acceptance, where everything is okay.
  • The
    creative impulse, where everything must change.

Clearly these are opposites, and yet they both exist
simultaneously and with equal power. We can also see them as two aspects of the
same field.
 

So to be enlightened means to be aware of and act in
accordance with the existence of the highest and deepest levels of
consciousness. 


How would having this
highest possible perspective help you as a leader?

 

The biggest enemy of leadership success is fear. Fear blocks
us from rationally considering our actions and thereby leads us into
self-destructive and ill-considered behaviours. Fear also stops us from taking
any action at all, as we fearfully cling to the status quo rather than
venturing into the infinite possibilities for improvement. Fear is resolved by
knowing that at the heart of any problem, everything is okay and there is no
need for fear. There is only peace.
 

Once we are free from the fears and desires of the ego, we
are able to tap into the creative impulse that nurtures change and development,
and is the force behind the creation of “predictable miracles”, as I wrote
about before.

Applying the
learning:
 

The most important step in becoming an enlightened leader is
to raise your awareness of the higher levels of consciousness beyond ego so
that you can avoid the pitfalls of ego’s irrational urges and thereby access
the higher intelligence of the creative impulse. 

This may sound esoteric but it is actually very practical.
The more you realize that ‘everything is okay’, there is always peace, the more
your actions towards your goals will be in alignment with the highest causes
and the most efficient connections. Remember, money is not earned through work,
but through the creation of value.
 

Here is a practical example. Although I have many
outstanding goals to achieve and responsibilities to fulfill, and limited time
to complete these things, I decided to take a 5-day holiday. I am aware that
much of my drive to complete goals comes from my ego’s desire to look good in
front of others, and to feel important. Those are ego-driven desires that are
unrelated to my deeper desires for helping others develop, leading and
creating. Since I am aware in this case that it is the ego that desires to keep
working, I can safely ignore it.

And so, I have just returned from my holiday fully
refreshed, energized, positive and ready to attract the kind of connections and
opportunities I really want, rather than only those that create plenty of work
without the value I seek. I cannot prove that I would have created more success
by working for those five days, but I am absolutely sure that this particular
vacation has added to my bottom line.
 

Conclusion: 

In life, everything is okay and at the same time everything
must change. The more a leader understands and experiences these two forces in
every day life, the more easily he or she will find fulfillment and success.
 
 
 

Get instant coaching results, by focusing on what the client wants

July 28th, 2008 by Angela Spaxman No comments »

Focusing on exactly what the coachee wants is a powerful tool that can lead to instant coaching results. Obviously, the whole paradigm of modern coaching means focusing on what the client wants. But I'm talking about focusing more deeply on what they really want, not just what they tell you they want. By focusing the conversation in this way, you not only honour your coachee's goals and needs, but you can also find ways to meet those real but often unspoken goals much more easily.

Here's an example of how this works. My coachee Anne is frustrated by the lack of structure and guidelines in her company. She feels frustrated that a lot of her efforts are wasted because the system is not in place to properly implement the programs she is developing. She believes that the way the company is doing things is wrong and wasteful.

What does Anne want? One view is that she wants the company to change the way it does things. Further exploration of this possibility reveals that this kind of change would take a lot of thought, time and effort.

Another view of what Anne wants is that she wants to stop feeling frustrated. Perhaps she wants to feel like her efforts are of value and are being used for the best possible result.

I asked Anne what stops the company from creating the kinds of structures she believes are necessary. Anne explains that her company is young and growing. The senior managers probably understand the value of what she wants, but it is not their priority right now. I can see a change in Anne's demeanor as she reveals this. So I say, “It looks like that's an important point you've just made.”

Anne said, “Yes, I realize that it's not realistic to expect the company to act like a fully mature company when it is so new. The work I do at this stage is valuable, but it is impossible to be as fully implemented as it would be in a more mature company.” Anne's energy had changed completely. She seemed relaxed as she accepted the reality of the situation.

I took the opportunity to strengthen her feelings of acceptance by offering a metaphor. I said, “Your company is still a baby! So no wonder it doesn't do everything perfectly yet.”

Anne laughed! Her frustration was gone. Nothing concrete had changed, but because she had changed her thinking, the 'problem' was gone.

If I were Anne's manager, I would be very happy to have instantly gained her understanding and support for the current needs of the company. How many good staff have quit their jobs in frustration over a similar problem that can be resolved with a 10 minute coaching conversation? And for Anne, she can be much more effective by aligning her efforts with the current needs of the company rather than wishing it were different and struggling to create structures that are too far ahead of their time.

Here's a summary of the keys to success for this coaching interaction.
1) As always, let the coachee do most of the talking.
2) Listen for what's behind the words. Notice what the coachee wants, versus what she says she wants.
3) Watch for changes in tone and body language that signify a change in thinking.
4) Focus on what will help the coachee feel better, rather than just solving the practical problem.
5) Help the coachee notice and articulate the change in thinking and emotions.

This is only one example of the value of focusing on what the coachee wants. Do you have others you can share here?