Key #3: Free yourself from what others want for you.
This key is a very
important reminder…
Think about the people
who are interested in your career decisions. What opinions do they have that
you will choose to ignore? What opinions or support can that offer that would
be valuable to you? What needs do they have that you will consider in your
decisions?
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I have paid attention to my parents' attitudes to career development and for the most part, that has helped me. Both my parents chose to do work they loved (they are both retired now). As I was growing up I could see that whatever stress they faced from their work, they got enormous personal satsfaction from doing work that was meaningful to them.
However, for awhile when I was in my twenties my father wanted me to follow the same career path as him. He even refused to help me fund studies he did not agree with. For more than a decade it was difficult to get him to respect my choices, but I persisted on my own path. I did a graduate degree and continued in my search for work which fit me and my personality and changed career paths twice before settling down to what I do now.
It was not easy to go against my father's idea of what I should do with my life, but now he respects my choices.
In the past I have let other's opinions about my career affect my career decisions. Over the past year I have been going through another career change and this time have tried to stay focused on what I want rather than what others think is best for me.
A number of people, including my immediate family, and initially, my partner were very skeptical about the career changes I have made over the past year. However, as I have kept working to make something new work for me, they have begun to see that I am doing something I really believe in and are now very supportive of me.
Although I am focusing on what I want, my family an my partners opinions are still very important to me. I think I have learned a lot by being able to listen to their opinions, acknowledge that they have these ideas and then make my own decisions about what is best for me.
My parents – esp. father, he wants everyone of us in the family to be successful. Then my husband but he is more concerned with my happiness than my career path.
After all, I need to be a bread-winner, at least be one of them in the family. They would care for my happiness first, but also concerned on $$$ issue. I also want to be successful to repay debt of gratitude to my father who worked so hard to bring us up as adults.
However, I think I am not very good at managing people. So being a manager would be difficult for me. Somehow I am thinking of working on my own so that I don't need to manage others just myself. Want to explore if this direction is correct.
1. The people who are interested in my career decisions include my wife and perhaps my parents.
2. I will choose to ignore almost every opinion they give. This is because I am quite sensitive to external influences. Therefore, I will choose to ignore all their opinions to give a message to all people that any attempt to influence my decision will not work
3. In most cases, their most valuable opinions to me is not to give an opinion at all, but give their full support and trust to my own decision. I will value their analysis on the facts and their experience sharing.
4. To be frank, the most important need will be my own need, but that also include maintaining a harmonious relationship with the people I care. While the primary concern is to fulfil my own need and wants, I may have to make concessions so as to make other people happy and feeling secured. That may be called the reality.
Hmm… this was a toughie exercise.
I've listed the following:
Friends : Often don't influence my career decisions because I've realised a long time ago that everyone's got their own opinions, desires and dislikes. So I've had to discover for myself what I enjoy doing, what I've an affinity for, what I find challenging and what I absolutely detest.
Family : My mother was (and sometimes still is) very upset when I gave up my legal career to become a backpacker bum. I remember many a dramatic harrangue on the phone from her when I called to let her know which city I was visiting. But after dabbling in other fields, she's given up trying to understand what it is that I do for work, and she just consoles herself that she's done the best that she can for me and hopes that I'll fall on my head one day and walk towards the legal path again. Then again, I wonder if my resistance to considering a legal career again is partly because I hate being told what to do? Hmm… food for thought …… nah, I really didn't enjoy legal practice and was a pretty grumpy person when I was a barrister. I'm just insane and ditsy now that I'm in IT but at least I'm a happy person.
Husband : Edd's very supportive, so I can't say that he'd dissuade me from any career path I chose to take. I guess I'd call him my sounding board because I'll bounce ideas off him and through his questions or opinions, I usually start analyzing the situation for myself.
My family's needs and opinions are a big factor in my career decision-making. Knowing that my income impacts on the family is something I try to keep in mind but not let blind me to other qualities of a job. Most outside opinions revolve around the conflict between being a good mother and having a successful vocation. My own mother was at home every day and can't conceive of me working and missing out on my children's every moment. By asking her what the most important parts were of that experience, I use her opinion to make sure I don't miss out on the things that I might regret. My husband's parents worked while others took care of their children. After two years of riding the tension between those expectations, I realize that there is no right way, there's just a way that works for you.
It must be a relief to come to this insight. I hope everyone can find a way to do what's best for themselves, while learning from others' experiences and looking after their concerns for other people.
Personally, I don't think that many people are interested in my career
decisions! My dad, of course, would worry about “security” of a job and things like that (he's of that generation). Friends would encourage me to do what I want in fact- I haven't had any blockages, my problem is deciding for myself what I actually want!
I don't think that I actually am swayed by others' opinions, although I would consider them of course. The best decisions about taking/not-taking a job or doing something if it intuitively felt “right”.
I don't mind suggestions from friends – ultimately my own needs rather
than theirs would be the most important – it would be different if I had kids or had financial responsibilities for other people. Suggestions about career paths will always be gratefully accepted by me – especially those that see both pros and cons of a particular choice.
In conclusion, I don't feel restricted by others, but my own indecision or taking the initial step….
Jenny
My family is supporting me a lot in my career change which is very positive and helpful! My parents say they are proud of me for what i have achieved until now, but i do not agree with them! I guess they say that because they love me! Anyway, they ask me to be patient but i want the change to happen as soon as possible!
Some local friends are very helpful with the advice they give me about the world of work in Asia (as i'm a western person). Some others give me their opinion on how they would do it if they had to change careers or what i should do to gain more experience in the other work i'd like to do later.
On the whole i'd say that my family and friend environment is very helpful and supportive. Which is a very positive point.
I think people who interested in my career are my parents and friends.
However my parents always seem not so supportive and always negative of what decision i made on my job. So I would just ignore what their opinions and all the negatives advice which was highly influence my decision before.
This time of my career change, I seek for alot of way to learn more about myself and the pattern that made me get into the wrong job. I would ask friends who work for the industry I am in or will be, I seek for professional advice from career conselor and here the “loving work and leading” and I am open up to talk and discuss with people with more experience and hope to learn sth from their career path.
I know in the end of the day,it's me to make the right decision for myself not anyone else. Since i need income for my living and expense and taking care of parents as well, so most of the job/ work decision made were depend on the immediate $$ i need to earn, but maybe not really best for me. That's sth quite really waste of time, and this time I really want to choice the right career and position myself well for a success!
Thanks
It's so good to hear your resolve in making the most of your work. That will make a big difference!
My career is my own in many ways. I am not married nor do I have a partner. I come from a conservative family that has always been in business. I am the first person in my family that has held a job and has been so successful at it. So, my family is happy to leave my career choices to me. I know that they will support me if I voice a desire to change my job but they will never try to influence my decision in any way. I am very grateful for this.
I have a couple of friends who I would speak to and consult with regarding my job. But since they work in very different fields, they are not in the best position to understand my work situation or why I consider certain career moves. They are happy to be there for me and will support me in whatever I decide.
To that extent, I am truly in charge of my own destiny and this frightens me when I am feeling unsure and insecure. I really wish I had someone who could guide me through these turbulent times.
Thanks for posting in-depth about your situation in these 3 lessons. I would imagine it's helpful to write it all down. You have captured a lot about the essence of your problems and it seems you still have some thinking and talking/writing to do to figure it out.
You sound like someone with enormous potential who is ready to move on, either to a new company/boss, or possibly to some new way of thinking that will generate the level of trust you seek. I hope you'll give us a call or send an email so we can make contact directly.
I'm still early in my career so it would definitely be my parents who have the biggest say in my choices. I did however chose my own career path and have chosen to go along with it. They have been supportive because they could see that I had a sensible plan in place and that there were a lot of choices in what I've chosen to do.
That's all for my current job though. If I decided to retrain and do something completely different I don't think they would agree at first. They would support me but would definitely be judgemental. My father told me from a young age that it is a waste of time to change careers and that I should think long and hard about one that suits me without risking having to climb up a different ladder all over again. I think this advice is what made me so afraid to make a decision in the first place!
I've chosen a career that is sensible with good career prospects and stability and good income (these aspects being important in my parents eyes). To me these things are important but secondary to doing something I completely believe in. I've been working in my current field for a number of years now and feel that whilst it has all been fantastic I could be doing something perhaps more wacky than an office job that would satisfy me and fulfill my passion (which I'm still trying to discover).
I would be willing to ignore my parents advice at the end of the day so long as I was sure about what I wanted to do. My parents have always been an important sounding board in my decision making.
My boyfriend is completely supportive and would understand if I wanted to change fields and would support me completely. He is a fantastic partner to talk with because he isn't afraid to give me his honest opinion but ultimately just wants me to be happy.
Mainly my parents and my siblings are interested in my career decisions, especially my dad, he had kept telling me what I should major and what kind of job I should get since my childhood. My mom would ask me why I wouldn't choose something similar to what my younger sister has chosen. My other siblings would respect my decision, just that my younger sister would try to advise me on career matters.
I wouldn't just ignore. My dad had always wanted us to run family business, do trading or run our own business. I gave in and listened to my dad's advice and worked at his trading company after I finished high school, I found that it wasn't what I wanted. Then I gave up 3 years later. Since then I tried to pursue what I wanted, but very often, I settled for the same industry because I had relevant work experience which made it easier for me to find a job for an income, although I still consider my own interest the most important so as to do well and be able to do it for the rest of my life. So, perhaps I have ignored my dad or other seniors' advice on persistency. I wasn't persistent because I didn't enjoy what I was doing and neither did I persist in pursuing what I wanted.
The support would be valuable to me if my parents and siblings would support me in pursuing what I wanted and gave me confidence. My dad and my younger sister consider having a stable, high income a success which I have failed to do so. I am persistent in a way, but when I am not enjoying what I do, I easily quit.
I am very lucky that my parents are financially independent and my sister is doing very well with her career – stable and at a decent grade, so the needs that they have is not finance related, perhaps they would just want more attention, time and care from me, but my dad has always wished to be proud of his children for what they are doing and how much they are earning. The relationship between my dad and myself has been quite detached though.
Getting a stable, decent pay every month is important, so is enjoying what I do everyday, but most of the time in the past, I chose the former. Should I try to be persistent because of getting a good pay? Should I pursue what I enjoy doing no matter how much my income is?
Thanks for the long and interesting comment. Only you can decide what is the best way to pursue your career, not your parents, siblings or me!
You seem to be assuming you can only get good pay, or enjoy what you're doing, not both. What is your thinking about that?
Sorry that I wasn't clear. It's actually a paradox between getting a job and be persistent in searching for the kind of job I want, because I am now in-between jobs. I am worried that if I don't get a job soon (any, even in a different industry), I will soon run out of my savings before I can find a job that I like.
At the same time, I don't know if I am going to the right direction, (to persue what I want to do; and how do I know if that is really what I want to do or the right kind of job for me?). One of my problems is that I worry too much and I am not decisive. Thank you for your patience.
If you'd like to be more certain about what kind of job really suits you, the Career Assessments we offer can help a lot. See http://www.loving-your-work.com/assessments.htm.
There are lots of complexities and stress in your situation, so it really helps to have someone neutral and experienced to talk to. That's how I can help.
Another way to get it all clear in your mind is to write it all down. So you're getting a start on that here! Thanks for sharing. I hope it helps.
Think about the people who are interested in your career decisions.
The first and the most important to me, It is my wife`s opinion because she is directly concerned and her opinion count more than others. Of course sometimes, I have to take some distance to find the right answers and my best way in my own interest, even if we are on the same boat and going toward together.
But my family and close friends are important to me and their opinion count too !
What opinions do they have that you will choose to ignore?
They may consider myself upper (or lower) than I really be and probably have a too high opinion of my qualities and strengthens because they love me which could drive me to a wrong way up !
They know only me as the person and not really as the professional that can give me wrong feedback by the way bad advice !
They may have a different background or interest, sometime they can`t understand my problem and motivation to achieve objective !
What opinions or support can they offer that would be valuable to you?
My friend and relative give me time, they listen and give me feedback and others point of view with new eyes. They give me; advice, persons to meet, strategy to prospect and new ideas and plus a daily support to achieve my goal !
What needs do they have that you will consider in your decisions?
They want me to be happy with my life by the way to fulfill my job expectation because they know it is an important matter for me as we share time and moment together !!!
Thanks for sharing, Chris. I'm glad you have supportive friends and family and can also see that sometimes you need to take your own counsel.
Cheers,
Angela
Key #3: Free yourself from what others want for you.
A tough assignment . . . trying to consider [or not] others opinions on my career direction/changes . .. to date my careers have been solely my choice . . . intuitive career paths taken as they felt right . .. or sometimes not . . . but all the decisions where mine!!!
However, now having to consider financial obligations and thus ultimately have to be sensitive to others. Also, it is sometimes good to listen to other ideas and perspectives . . . not just financial ones . . . but getting a sense of their values and needs too.
My parents never prescribed to any particular career . . . mum would just say . . . be happy . .. most liberating . . . . !!! So I just got on with it . . . mistakes and all . . . but haven’t regretted one minute.
As for now . . .i do ask my partner who is wise and harsh but well meaning . . . she keeps my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds . .. but maybe that is the issue . . .
Maybe I want to have a new career with in-built passion . . . . not financial reward . . .. but the chance to be happy . . . really happy and feel excited to give, participate, belong . . .
Listening to others is important . . .but ultimately . . . I have to make the choice that best fits my profile . . . my needs . . . my desires . . . but also trying to take my loved ones along with me on my journey!!!
We all go through phases of development, from dependent on our parents’ or peers’ views (you are lucky to have such a supportive mum), to making our own choices independently, to interdependence where the needs of others influence our own choices. It’s so much easier to accept the needs of others in your career choices when you realize that it is your own free choice to include them and their needs in your journey. Sometimes we get the true, valuable but unpleasant messages from those who are closest to us. The trick is to listen and appreciate those messages and make your own free choices accordingly with full responsibility.