| “Strong feelings do not necessarily make a strong character. The strength of a man is to be measured by the power of the feelings he subdues not by the power of those which subdue him.”
–William Carleton |
One of the fastest ways to develop
yourself, or support the development of others, is to learn how to handle
unwanted negative feelings. That's because negative feelings are one of the
main obstacles to effectiveness at work, or in any aspect of life. They block
us from acting in our own best interests and doing what we know is best.
Masterful coach managers know how to manage those feelings in themselves and
how to help others raise their awareness about them in order to reduce their
negative impact.
If you think deeply about almost
any difficulty you have at work, such as interpersonal conflicts,
procrastination, stress, lack of motivation or ineffective communication, you will
notice that there is almost always a negative feeling acting as a root cause.
All of us experience feelings such as fear, rejection, hurt, lack of control,
insecurity or other feelings which motivate us to act in ways that are not
constructive.
Coach managers may experience
specific feelings that stop them from effectively building trust, listening,
challenging, supporting or using other coaching skills, particularly with
'difficult' staff who press their emotional buttons. Mastering those feelings
is a way to greatly extend your abilities as a coach manager.
A useful place to start in this subject is to identify at least one of
the important negative feelings that you experience and to understand how it
influences you. So, I'd like to lead you through a self-assessment now, if I
may.
When you're ready, think of a time when you
have acted in some way at work that you know is not in your own best interest.
For example, you spoke sharply to someone when it would have been better to be
more diplomatic. Or you avoided making a phone call. Or you agreed to do
something when in fact you wanted to delegate it to someone else. Remember the
time when it happened and notice what is the feeling you had at that moment
that influenced you to act in the way you did?
Then
ask yourself what would be different if you didn't have this feeling? Would you
act more rationally? Would you have the opportunity to be more effective? If
you answer 'yes', it's not surprising because after all those negative feelings
are generated in a very primitive part of the brain that is acting out of
instinct or very basic programming rather than from rational, well-informed
thought.
Luckily, ingenious human brains have
devised some very effective and simple ways to master these feelings so that
they lose their initial power to disrupt our actions from what we know to be
best.
1. Noticing and breathing
The simplest of all methods of mastering negative feelings is to
cultivate your ability to notice those feelings as soon as possible so that you
can give yourself just a few seconds to breathe and allow yourself to escape
the grip of them. This sounds easy but many times it is not. The deepest feelings
that are controlling us may distract our attention in subtle ways that we
cannot control. Nonetheless, this is a very good first step for understanding
and mastering our feelings.
2. Feeling
into the core
This is a methodology I
have used with surprising effects with many of my clients. For example, I had
one sceptical client who tried this method in order to reduce his feelings of
fear and inadequacy that caused them to erupt in anger whenever people
disagreed with him. He was very surprised to realize a few days after the
practice that he had completed an entire controversial discussion
constructively like he had never done before.
This
process involves simply taking a few quiet minutes alone to feel deeply the
physical feeling in your body. It could be an ache in the chest, a headache, or
subtle pain in the throat or almost any other physical sensation. These
feelings often have power over us because we find them uncomfortable and have
developed a habit of ignoring them. Paying close attention to them puts them
back in our control.
For detailed instructions on
how to do this, please see this article. www.spaxman.com.hk/feelingcore.html
3. Emotional Freedom Technique
Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT is another way to process feelings
such that they lose their power over us. This technique involves tapping at
meridians in a precise order while concentrating on the feeling we wish to
reduce. Once mastered, this technique can be used very conveniently on any
feelings whenever you have a few minutes alone (or even in public if you don't
mind looking a bit strange!) The instructions are very well laid out in the
free manual available at www.emofree.com.
4. The Release Effect
The
Release Effect is a guided personal development process that allows you to
permanently release any of your unwanted negative feelings. A practitioner
helps you to identify specifically the feelings you wish to release and then
guides you in a series of relaxing meditations where you allow your unconscious
mind to let go of those 'feeling beliefs' that are no longer serving you. I
tried this process myself this summer and can say that I am very pleased with
the results. It is much more powerful and permanent than the other methods
named above and it doesn't require any on-going practice.
If you are willing to invest in the very foundation of your emotional
intelligence, this is a method that I heartily recommend. You can read more about
it at www.spaxman.com.hk/release.html.
Whatever methods you choose to develop mastery over your feelings, the
rewards are large. As well as building your effectiveness in relationships,
communications and leadership, you are removing the barriers to all the
positive feelings that make life so enjoyable.
