What does it feel like to receive
advice? Have you heard the words “I think you should…” and felt
yourself turn off or become defensive? Likewise perhaps you've noticed negative
reactions when you give advice to others. Do people look away, sigh, roll their
eyes or even start arguing with you when you give them advice? Do people
actually heed your advice or do they just agree with you and then carry on
doing things their own way? 

Sharing your knowledge
effectively is a very valuable skill that can be learned and used to increase
your ability to influence others. It also has some important side-benefits
including: 

• Providing overall support
  rather than just informational advice 
• Building
  strong trusting relationships 
• Empowering others
  to think for themselves 
• Providing solutions that
  are more relevant and specific to the needs 
• Discovering
  new solutions that you hadn't thought of before 

Here are 4 ways coaches make sure their knowledge, experience and
wisdom are heard, appreciated and used. 

1)
Let go of the need to give your solution 

Do you enjoy problem-solving? Offering solutions to
problems can be very satisfying. As well as potentially getting rid of
problems, it lets us feel smart. It seems to prove our value as consultants and
managers. Giving advice even gives us a little feeling of superiority over the
recipients of our wise words. 

The same things that
make giving advice enjoyable sometimes make receiving it irritating. The
over-enthusiastic giver of advice often jumps to conclusions about what is
really needed and what has been tried already. Advice that comes too quickly
can feel quite insulting. Those feelings may lead a person to resist advice,
even though it may actually be quite helpful. 

So
what I'm saying is that if your sense of self-worth (your ego) is gaining from
your advice-giving (you may need to look very closely to notice this), then
there will be two negative impacts: 

1. The way you give the advice will cause resistance in the
   recipient.

2. The advice may not be the best, most
   integrated solution to the actual problem that the other person is
   facing. 

A lot of
advice is given for the sake of making the adviser feel smart and valuable
rather than with the purpose of finding the best possible answer to the
problem. 

So the first and fundamental step in
improving your ability to share your expertise is to drop your attachment to 1)
your solutions and 2) your need to feel smart or valuable. Instead, focus on
what is needed by the recipient of the information while humbly offering
yourself as a resource. Paradoxically, you'll find that being humble and open
actually proves your value much more readily than sharing too urgently your solutions. 

2) Listen first and listen
thoroughly 

Once
you've dropped the need to give your solution, you'll find it much easier to
sit back and listen to the full story of the problem case. I find it helpful to
have a rule that I give advice only as a last resort. You may need to extend
the length of your conversations to allow for a full exploration of the
problem, potential solutions and objections. But the resulting conversation
will be have much more value in terms of finding the best possible solution
while empowering and honouring the advice-seeker. 

If
you are in the habit of giving lots of advice to juniors who are eager to learn
from you, you might consider listening more to them to encourage them to think
for themselves rather than relying on you. You may need to explain to them what
you're doing so that they don't wonder why you've stopped giving them answers
so easily. 

3) Ask
open questions that include your answer 

My favourite way to share my knowledge is to ask a
question that points the recipient to discover the solution for himself. As we
know, people are more committed to solutions that they think of themselves. And
those solutions are more likely to thoroughly address their unique concerns,
limitations and priorities about the problem. 

Here
are some examples of handy questions that can elicit all kinds of
solutions. 

• “What have you tried so
  far?” 
• “What have you thought of doing
  about it?” 
• “What else?” 
• “Have
  you thought of anything related to X (the broad area of your potential
  solution)? 

Please note that these
questions are all very open and can lead the conversation in a wide range of
directions. You may quickly discover that the solution you had in mind was
completely inappropriate! 

Very often people will
continue to explain the intricacies of their thinking about the problem and
you'll gain much more insight into where they are really stuck and what they
can do about it. 

4)
Use diplomatic phrasing 

Apart from these more round-about ways of helping someone realize what
you want to tell them, it's possible to phrase a piece of advice in ways that
are more easily accepted. But please be warned that even the most elegant
phrasing will not work if you have not completely heard the essence of the
problem. Once you've listened thoroughly, you might try some of the following
phrases: 

• “Would you like me to
  share some of my ideas on this?” 
• “One
  way I've seen this done before…” 

Some
phrases to avoid include the dreaded “You should…” and also
“Have you tried… (your solution)?” because this phrasing can so
easily sound condescending. 

These
four ways to improve your ability to share your knowledge are also the essence
of effective coaching. Coaches drop their egos and use listening, questioning
and diplomatic phrasing to help people think better and in-the-end to influence
positive changes.

One of the fastest ways to develop
yourself, or support the development of others, is to learn how to handle
unwanted negative feelings. That's because negative feelings are one of the
main obstacles to effectiveness at work, or in any aspect of life. They block
us from acting in our own best interests and doing what we know is best.
Masterful coach managers know how to manage those feelings in themselves and
how to help others raise their awareness about them in order to reduce their
negative impact. 

If you think deeply about almost
any difficulty you have at work, such as interpersonal conflicts,
procrastination, stress, lack of motivation or ineffective communication, you will
notice that there is almost always a negative feeling acting as a root cause.
All of us experience feelings such as fear, rejection, hurt, lack of control,
insecurity or other feelings which motivate us to act in ways that are not
constructive. 

Coach managers may experience
specific feelings that stop them from effectively building trust, listening,
challenging, supporting or using other coaching skills, particularly with
'difficult' staff who press their emotional buttons. Mastering those feelings
is a way to greatly extend your abilities as a coach manager. 

A useful place to start in this subject is to identify at least one of
the important negative feelings that you experience and to understand how it
influences you. So, I'd like to lead you through a self-assessment now, if I
may. 

When you're ready, think of a time when you
have acted in some way at work that you know is not in your own best interest.
For example, you spoke sharply to someone when it would have been better to be
more diplomatic. Or you avoided making a phone call. Or you agreed to do
something when in fact you wanted to delegate it to someone else. Remember the
time when it happened and notice what is the feeling you had at that moment
that influenced you to act in the way you did? 

Then
ask yourself what would be different if you didn't have this feeling? Would you
act more rationally? Would you have the opportunity to be more effective? If
you answer 'yes', it's not surprising because after all those negative feelings
are generated in a very primitive part of the brain that is acting out of
instinct or very basic programming rather than from rational, well-informed
thought. 

Luckily, ingenious human brains have
devised some very effective and simple ways to master these feelings so that
they lose their initial power to disrupt our actions from what we know to be
best. 

1. Noticing and breathing 

The simplest of all methods of mastering negative feelings is to
cultivate your ability to notice those feelings as soon as possible so that you
can give yourself just a few seconds to breathe and allow yourself to escape
the grip of them. This sounds easy but many times it is not. The deepest feelings
that are controlling us may distract our attention in subtle ways that we
cannot control. Nonetheless, this is a very good first step for understanding
and mastering our feelings. 

2. Feeling
into the core 

This is a methodology I
have used with surprising effects with many of my clients. For example, I had
one sceptical client who tried this method in order to reduce his feelings of
fear and inadequacy that caused them to erupt in anger whenever people
disagreed with him. He was very surprised to realize a few days after the
practice that he had completed an entire controversial discussion
constructively like he had never done before. 

This
process involves simply taking a few quiet minutes alone to feel deeply the
physical feeling in your body. It could be an ache in the chest, a headache, or
subtle pain in the throat or almost any other physical sensation. These
feelings often have power over us because we find them uncomfortable and have
developed a habit of ignoring them. Paying close attention to them puts them
back in our control. 

For detailed instructions on
how to do this, please see this article. www.spaxman.com.hk/feelingcore.html 

3. Emotional Freedom Technique 

Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT is another way to process feelings
such that they lose their power over us. This technique involves tapping at
meridians in a precise order while concentrating on the feeling we wish to
reduce. Once mastered, this technique can be used very conveniently on any
feelings whenever you have a few minutes alone (or even in public if you don't
mind looking a bit strange!) The instructions are very well laid out in the
free manual available at www.emofree.com. 

4. The Release Effect 

The
Release Effect is a guided personal development process that allows you to
permanently release any of your unwanted negative feelings. A practitioner
helps you to identify specifically the feelings you wish to release and then
guides you in a series of relaxing meditations where you allow your unconscious
mind to let go of those 'feeling beliefs' that are no longer serving you. I
tried this process myself this summer and can say that I am very pleased with
the results. It is much more powerful and permanent than the other methods
named above and it doesn't require any on-going practice. 

If you are willing to invest in the very foundation of your emotional
intelligence, this is a method that I heartily recommend. You can read more about
it at www.spaxman.com.hk/release.html. 

Whatever methods you choose to develop mastery over your feelings, the
rewards are large. As well as building your effectiveness in relationships,
communications and leadership, you are removing the barriers to all the
positive feelings that make life so enjoyable.

An “ah ha” moment is one
of the most interesting and exciting events in learning. When you have such a
sudden realization, you experience a small rush of energy and it feels as if a
whole new world of meaning clicks into place. You may suddenly realize the
answer to the question that has been puzzling you. Or, in the blink of an eye,
you see clearly what you could not see before. 

I
remember a particular coaching session when I helped to generate an “ah
ha” moment in a very simple way. My coachee, let's call her Paula, was
describing a long-term difficulty with a close associate. As she came to the
end of her long explanation, I said, “I just have one word in my mind:
trust.” I saw the change on her face as the word sank in. A new way of
thinking had opened up for her as she followed the pointer of that one word and
came to a new place of understanding. 

This is the
kind of easy and powerful coaching session that I would like to produce with
every interaction! “Ah ha” moments are sure signs that coaching is
effective. Those powerful insights are valuable, memorable and prove that a Coachee
has learned something significant. In brain science terms, Paula had taken a
new path with her thinking, following different neural pathways from usual to
arrive at a new and satisfying thought. 

If we
could generate these insights on a regular basis, our coaching would create
significant learning very quickly. 

How
can we help someone have insights? 

Step
1 

The first step to help someone produce
insights is to listen. 

With Paula, I first let her
lay out her own thinking pattern completely. This way she could clarify the
framework of her current thoughts, while I mapped over my own way of thinking
about it. I simultaneously heard her thoughts while relating them to my
own. 

This step is the most time-consuming part of
the process and yet it is critical. Once Paula's current thinking was clear in
her mind, she was primed to form a new connection between this thinking and
something new. 

Step 2 

The next step is to add something new to the conversation that will
stimulate new thinking. If you've been listening well, you will have some
thoughts that connect well with the Coachee's thinking and that may shine a
light on something he has not yet considered. 

It's
useful to remember that your thinking is not necessarily better than your
Coachee's thinking. It is just different. The uniqueness of your thoughts
provides the raw material for stimulating new pathways of thinking in your
Coachee. 

One very effective way to stimulate
thinking is to ask open questions. Good questions prompt thinking in different
directions. The best questions do not have set answers; they are only signposts
to new possibilities that the thinker can use to explore as yet unused
pathways. 

Another way, as I used with Paula, is to
add a small bit of information that acts like a pointer. When I mentioned the
word “trust” to Paula, I had many thoughts in my mind about possible
solutions to her problem. But I shared only one small bit as an indicator so
that she could complete the thinking for herself in her own way. A long speech
by me would not have had the same impact. The Coachee must do the thinking to
create the insight. 

The most important aspect of
the delivery of this bit of information is the timing. As always, be careful
not to interrupt the coachee's thinking as you give your input. Those pointers
will create insights only at moments of receptivity. 

Step 3 

If your
question or comment has stimulated new thinking, you will know from the body
language of your coachee. Notice the fact that they do not reply immediately.
Watch for eye movements as they work through different parts of their
brain. 

When someone is thinking, allow for
silence. When people are making new connections in their brains, they need
silence and space in order to think. They cannot multi-task in their minds at
this crucial point and if you interrupt, the new connection may be lost. Don't
waste the opportunity for an insight with your impatience. 

As rule of thumb, following a question or comment assume your coachee
will speak when ready. Meanwhile, wait. 

–

This whole process of insight-creation works the same way as a joke
with a punch line. As we are listening to a joke, we are expecting a certain
outcome. When the punch line arrives it sheds new light on all the pieces of
the story that came before. And the punch line produces a shock, a flush, just
like a new insight. 

Both the Coach and Coachee
have a role to play in insight-creation. The Coachee does the thinking and the
Coach acts as a catalyst, an extra energy, a stimulation, or even an irritant,
to cause the thinker to use different neural pathways. You may have noticed yourself
that when you have a problem, your thinking can be repetitive and circular.
Some help from outside is needed to help you shift into a different way of
thinking. 

In our example, Paula could not generate
her own insight with her usual way of thinking. Before she came to me she had
reviewed the situation many times herself and not found that answer she needed.
But just one word from me was enough to start her thinking on an entirely new
and productive track. 

How to nurture your
ability to evoke insights 

The ability to
evoke insights can be developed through practice. Here are four disciplines to
enhance your effectiveness at generating insights in others. 

1. Practice non-judgmental listening. Allow yourself to enter
   someone else's world. 
2. Broaden your thinking about
   the way the world works. The more frameworks or realities you have access to,
   the more thinking choices you can offer your coachees and the more likely you
   are to have new, fresh viewpoints that will provoke new thinking
   pathways. 
3. Exercise your intuition. Our feelings,
   senses and inklings hold pointers to new thoughts that are hiding in our bodies
   waiting to be used. 
4. Warm-up your sense of humour.
   Silly, light-hearted and nonsensical thinking frees us from the constraints of
   our normal reasoning and allows us to enter new territories. 

Each “ah ha” moment is a miraculous demonstration of the
power of the human brain and a reward to the manager-coach provocateur who
chooses to invest in people development. May you experience many!

Last month's article
“Listening Like a Coach” discusses the value of listening and
explains how the most effective listening is done. This month I'll go into more
specifics about the common barriers managers face when listening. 

Please take a look at the headings and read the sections that describe
what stops you from listening fully and effectively. 

Barrier #1:  I am impatient. I have many other
things to get done. 

The bad news is that
listening is not an activity that responds well to multi-tasking. You cannot
listen and read at the same time! You cannot even listen and think at the same
time. (Have you ever noticed that if someone speaks to you while you are quiet,
but thinking, that you can't hear what he says?) The brain can only handle one
input at a time. 

Therefore you will need to decide
first whether or not you are going to listen. If you have a deadline to meet or
other distractions, it may be better to postpone your listening until you are
no longer distracted. If now is the right time to listen, put those other
thoughts aside, quiet your mind and prepare yourself to listen. 

If this is a continuing problem for you, you might consider setting
aside certain times of the day or the week for listening to your staff members.
If you listen really well to someone just once a week, (yes, even to your
spouse) you will deepen your mutual understanding significantly. 

Barrier #2:  I'm impatient. I just want my staff to
listen to me and do what I ask. 

This is
traditional management thinking, and within certain limits, it works. You can
feel like a very successful manager with a lot of very quiet, obedient people
around you. However, you will never be able to harness the full potential of
your staff. The limits of your success will be the limits of your own thinking
and your ability to find people who are willing to follow you. 

There are times, such as emergency situations, when a directive
management style is appropriate. And you don't have to be a good listener all
the time! 

To improve your listening, you may have
to change the way you value other people's thoughts and opinions. You will be
evolving yourself to a higher level of leadership. This is a big step and the
only way to increase your ability to influence and lead. 

Refer to Barriers #4 and #5 for more tips on how to find value in
listening. 

Barrier #3:  I'm
afraid I will forget the ideas that come into my head. 

It's very useful to remember that whatever thoughts you have, you will
be able to recall them later if they are useful and relevant. There's no need
to say them as you have them. Trust that they will be there for you if you need
them. 

There's also no need to write down your
thoughts or the details of what you are hearing. You will hear much more if you
just continue to listen. Whatever you write down will be all that you hear.
You'll miss the rest. It's better to take notes after your conversation when
you have an awareness of the whole thing and once you know what is really
important. 

If you don't believe me, you can do a
test with two partners. Have one person talk while the other two listen, one of
them taking copious notes and the other just listening. The two listeners can
take turns asking questions to prompt the speaker. 

I'm sure you'll discover that the person who is just listening hears
much more deeply into the true meaning of the speaker. Of course, the person
taking notes may remember more dates, numbers, names and other specifics, but
those items are not actually the most important aspects to learn through
listening. You can easily get those details later. What's most important is the
thinking, feelings and motivations of the speaker. 

Remember also that coaching happens in the moment of the conversation,
as well as in the actions the coachee takes afterwards. If you are too busy
taking notes during the conversation, you will miss what is important. I'm
often amazed with the huge difference between what I see as important in a
coaching session and what my clients experience. A week after a session a
coachee may thank me for the insights in the session, telling me it really
worked and very often it is not what I remember as being most important. This
common occurrence reminds me that what's important is in the mind of the
coachee, not the coach.

 Barrier #4: 
I feel bored. 

Feeling bored is an
indication that you are resisting listening, so the first thing you can do to
understand the situation is to ask yourself what makes you uncomfortable with
listening. Are you avoiding something? Some honesty will help you uncover the
root cause of your resistance. 

To feel less bored
you can exercise your curiosity. Be amazed by the other person's way of
thinking, their assumptions, their motivations, and everything else you can
hear. If you pay attention fully, listening is not boring. It is a unique
chance to experience someone else's world from their point of view. 

Think for example about listening to a young child. You may not expect
to gain new insights and knowledge from someone so inexperienced and naïve. But
when you listen fully you can remind yourself of your own lost innocence, a
perspective on life long forgotten and profoundly valuable for understanding
what it means to be human. Everyone is worth listening to as long as you know
how to be open and curious. 

Also check the advice
in Barrier #5 for some interesting things to listen for. 

Barrier #5:  I don't know what to listen
for. 

What's the purpose of your
listening? The answer to that question will point to what you need to listen
for. 

Here is a list of some key elements that
coaches listen for in order to build self-awareness, responsibility and
self-confidence in our coachees. 

Listen
for: 

• External needs 
• Internal
  needs 
• Values 
• Goals 
• Motivations 
• Assumptions 
• Beliefs 
• Feelings
  and emotions 

Barrier
#6:  I'm afraid to hear what they have to say. 

It takes some honesty to admit this barrier, so congratulations for
considering this possibility. I think all of us are guilty of not listening for
this reason at certain times. 

Have you ever asked
your staff to give you open, honest feedback about how they find working with
you? And how much of what they say are you willing to hear? (The more you are
willing to listen, the more they will be willing to tell you the
truth.) 

Indeed, when we really listen to others,
it behoves us to respond as well. In this aspect listening can be challenging.
By listening well, you challenge yourself to fully understand another
viewpoint, then respond and improve. 

It's also
useful to remember that the fear you may feel about other's opinions is simply
a feeling and not a rational way to think. In fact, getting more information
from other viewpoints, even if painful, is the only way to progress. 

Breathe deeply and listen. You'll do yourself some good.

One of my clients asked me for
some quick tools to improve his coaching. What was my response? I advised him
to just listen. 

Listening is the first step and
sometimes the only step you need to take. Engaged listening builds trust and
understanding. When you listen well, you'll more easily find questions to guide
the conversation productively. And the people you listen to will understand
themselves better. 

How to Listen
Effectively 

When you listen to your
staff, what are you really doing? 

Listening
effectively is a neat mental trick where you open your thinking to someone
else's viewpoint. As you listen you have a chance to delve into their world and
see it as they do. It is the only way to learn about another person. Listening
is our interface with the thoughts of others. 

As
you listen to their viewpoint, you must be careful to really hear it and not
judge it. If your mind is clouded with thoughts about 'what they should do' or
'how they are wrong', you will miss the reality of their current
thinking. 

Of course if your mind is occupied by
any other thoughts at all you will miss a portion of what they say. Part of the
trick is to keep your mind still and open, focusing on the present. 

Once you've heard their point of view as they explain it, you can
compare it to your own viewpoint or another viewpoint. By listening in this
way, you'll immediately notice what doesn't make sense, what's missing from the
story or what you are curious about. As long as you maintain an open,
non-judgmental attitude, a next step for the conversation will become clear to
you, either in the form of a question, or in a statement you make in order to
clarify their thinking. 

For example, you may not
really understand what they mean. So you can ask them to explain
further. 

Being Aware of Assumptions as
You Listen 

The key to success in this
process is to be aware of your own and your coachee's assumptions and mental
frameworks. 

Lets look at an example. Say you have
a team member Nancy who is very blunt in her communications and who often
upsets you with her direct pronouncements. If your other team member George
says “I don't like working with Nancy”,
you could easily assume that he is bothered by her bluntness. But by making
this assumption you could be missing a big opportunity. 

For one thing you could be wrong. Maybe George isn't bothered very
much by her bluntness. If that's the case, you will misunderstand George and
completely miss the chance to coach him. You might give him some advice on how
to handle her bluntness. If he's eager to please you, or if he hasn't analyzed
his own reactions, he may assume her bluntness really is the problem. Or he may
go along with what you say but feel dissatisfied. The chance to raise his
awareness and empower him to think of his own solutions would be
lost. 

On the other hand, even if you are correct
about what bothers George about Nancy, you will have missed the chance to allow
George to clarify TO HIMSELF what he means. 

Our
feelings about other people are complex. It is often very useful to articulate
those feelings so that we can understand ourselves better. There could be other
aspects to his feelings that are the source of other solutions. But without
having the conversation, neither of you will ever know. And George will not
learn to think through these situations for himself. George will feel less
committed to any solutions he decides to implement. 

Listening Well Leads to Good Questions 

Another advantage of listening with an awareness of mental frameworks
and assumptions is that you will become aware of a host of alternative ways of
thinking about the problem, each one leading to different questions and
different potential resolutions. There are probably dozens of assumptions
implicit in George's simple statement about Nancy. For example, we are assuming that it
is a problem that he doesn't like working with Nancy. What else are we assuming? 

Do you believe that listening well leads to good questions? Maybe
that's not true for you. Would you be willing to test the assumption? 

If yes, then try your best to focus on listening openly, without judgment,
while keeping your awareness on mental frameworks and assumptions. You can
practice your listening with anyone around you. Rather than trying to coach,
just listen and see what questions come to mind and how well they move the
conversation forward productively. 

Next month's
article will describe some of the barriers to effective listening and suggest
some specific solutions. So please send me an email with a list of what
stops you from listening well or any questions or challenges you have about
listening. I'll write next month with specific recommendations for you.